Beating the Teen Years

There is nothing worst then a rebellious teen, right? I would be lying if I said I didn't have my far share of rebellion during my teenage years. I never did anything per se but I sure knew exactly how to make turbulence explode in the household. I was not an easy teen but somehow my parents handled me. Not sure how but they did it.

With that in mind, how is it best to get to the brain of a teenager? Well, the first thing you need to do is make sure you know what goals a teen has in life. Psychologists have studied teenagers for a while, and throughout years they have come down to the basic core elements of what makes up a teen. These core goals consist of: Belonging, Power, Protection, Withdrawal, and Challenge. Teen and parental struggle start to develop when there is a hindrance of one or more of these goals. When this happens, their actions reflect negatively. They may look a lot like the following list: Undue attention seeking, Rebellion, Revenge, Avoidance, and Thrill Seeking. Similar to the goal list, however a lot more exaggerated and provocative of their goal list.

So the question comes about, what to do with a teen who is in the negative goals pattern? It is always good to allow natural consequences of their actions be the first lesson. Many teens want to feel like they are in control of their lives. So let them fail by their own choices. For example, if they have a car and they forget to fill up the gas tank; so they come to you to ask for your car to drive to school for the day--instead of saying yes, ask them why they can't, ask where they went wrong, ask if it was their responsibility to take car of their car, suggest other methods to get to school aside from using their car, and then let them figure it out most. The natural consequence of not having gas in the car if not being able to go where they walk to go without filling it up first. Simple as that!

If the natural consequences are not doing well for the children, try just asking them politely. A polite request may be all that is needed.

However, if not, try sending an "I" message. This format is simple:
When __ (one specific event)__ happened...
I feel/felt ____
Because___ (Why did you specifically feel that way)___
I would like____

This "I" message method is clear, direct, and you share your thoughts without having to seem "attacking."

If this method fails, try reminding the teen with a firmer statement. Don't threaten, but state your purpose and make it clear.

Finally, if all previous methods fail, use a logical consequence. The follow suggestions are other ways to make a good logical consequence come to past.
1. Ask the teen to help decide the consequence
2. Put the consequence in the form of a choice:    Either/Or choice       When/Then choice
3. Make sure the consequence is logically connected to the misbehavior. That is, if it pertains to a phone problem, take away the phone. If an issue relates to cleaning up the living room after eating lunch with friends, don't take away the phone; it doesn't connect.
4. Give choices that you can live with.
5. Keep your tone of voice firm and calm.
6. Give the choice one time, then enforce the consequence. You need to keep up your end of the bargain.
7. Expect testing from your teen. (They push the boundaries, calmly and patiently enforce yours. By doing it in this manner they will less likely rebel against you.)

All in all, we want the top most important thing to keep in mind with dealing with teenagers, is respect them. Whatever you say to your teen, stop for a second to ask yourself "If I had my teen say this to me, would I find it respectful or disrespectful?" Yes they are your children, but they are becoming young adults. Allow them to make mistakes, do it with love and grace, and they will not rebel as often.

Love your teen, though it may be hard a times, but don't be afraid to take control of an issue. You are the parent, you've been through your own teenage years before, just remember those confusing days, and go from there.