Offense or Defense

In regards to the Thanksgiving holidays, I am going to post my blog this week a few days earlier than normal. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays, so I hope everyone has a great day and remember everything that you've been blessed with.

Communication is something that we do all day, every day; especially during this upcoming holiday season. With family coming around, old and new wounds might form through miscommunication. Since communication is the number one problem that relationships have, I want to give some tactics and advise in which you can overcome all negative communication and even improve relationships where communication is seen to be well done.

Imagine that you are walking down an alley in the roughest neighborhood you have. You hear something move behind you, so you turn to see who it is. The person is taller than you, more physically fit, and has their arms up in proper boxing positions. What is your instant response? If you are like 99% of society you would engage in the fight, flight, or freeze mechanism so thankfully given to us by the sympathetic nervous system. Great! Expect that your front lobe has completely turned off and you are no longer thinking logically, in fact you probably aren't thinking at all. You have assumed that this person was trying to beat you down because of the circumstances you were in and what you felt--while in fact this person thought the same thing about you and got defensive because they were just lost. Without a word being spoken miscommunication had occurred. You and the person both took up offensive stances while in fact trying to be defensive.

These miscommunications happen all through families and friendships. When someone we care for becomes defensive, we can easily misinterpret them to be offensive. So before you go in the rink of miscommunication again, let's engage our brains before jumping to conclusions.

One rule I have learned since training with the ROTC program here at my school is to never assume. Never assume something that has not been clarified by you personally. It's better to double check and validate. That, within itself, will save a lot of miscommunication. However, I am not going just leave it there.

Doctor David D. Burns covers five secrets to effective communication. This outlines ways to be empathetic, assertive, and respectful in communication while being able to state your point and to be willing to seek understanding from the opposing view.

(Steps 1-3 are empathetic)
1. Disarming technique (this step is trying to find a kernel of truth through their attack. example You are so lazy or you don't love me. Though you may feel this is different, the truth of the matter may be that you don't use your time as wisely or perhaps you don't show love in the way that they need to feel it.)  How you use a disarming technique is to agree with them on something that is mutual. They helps them lower their defenses and be more open.

2. Thought empathy and feeling empathy. The format which that can be seen could look something like this:
S/he said: (Insert exact quote of what they said such as "You are lazy")
S/he might have felt: (List some ideas of what they may have felt. "They could have felt frustrated or tired or overwhelmed.")

3. Gentle inquiry (invite to share thoughts and feelings) this is where you listen. Just listen.

(Assertiveness, since no one wants to be used or stepped on)
4.
When___(circumstance or event, example: when you do the dishes)____
I feel/felt: ___ (emotions that you felt)____
Because: ___(thoughts)_____
I would like: ___(proposed change that will be a consensus of what might be best for the relation, not so much what you want)

(Respect)
5. Authentic respect and admiration. Always compliment the other individual.

These steps are just a brief outline of what you can do. If done correctly, both individuals will benefit. Yes, even if you're the one that starts this, you will instantly feel the benefits from it. Try it out! Start by writing it out first, to get the hang of it. See what you are thinking and organize what you truly want to say. Eventually you will get the use of it. NOTE this can be used for positive and negative communication skills. It is meant to help understanding, not just during miscommunication, but to also help understand someone better in general.

This method of communication can indeed save marriages and families. I am not joking about this. So the next time you put your fist up to fight, take a deep breath and relax. Think! They might just be misunderstanding you too.