Justice and Eyelashes

You owe me.

Have you ever said that before?

"You owe me."

To my personal knowledge, I have never vocalized this statement to anyone on a serious level. I may have said it in passing. However, how does "you owe me" apply to a family? Shouldn't families just be willing to give and not worry about receiving. The culture I grew up in suggests that I should be willing to sacrifice what I have for another individual. Furthermore, being willing to pay someone's debt without wanting anything in return. After contemplating this for a short time, I find that my actions and my thoughts are at some what of a dissonance. I find myself starting to distance myself from those that ask far too much from me.

Why is that?

This ideal of "you owe me" is actually a theory that helps create, or destroy, a family. It is known as the Exchange Theory. In essence, the theory is defined as receiving more reward and lower costs in our exchanges with others. Costs could be defined as something we have to give, for example: money, time, emotional support, etc. Rewards definition could be the mirror of the costs, that is receiving money, time, emotional support, etc. Simplified Exchange Theory could be stated as: Man's natural tendency to want to "get more than you do."

Why does this Exchange Theory come about?

Well, in all honesty, I am not sure of all the specifics. However, I can put in some personal insights about the matter. As human beings, we like rewards. We function better when we have positive reinforcement. We want to increase our income, it is a natural drive for all of us. When it comes to family, if we give, and give, and give, we become exhausted. In fact, it will become natural to us to avoid those that continue to ask us for more. We retreat if we never receive. Once again, if the mirror opposite occurred and we constantly receive, receive, receive, the likelihood of us returning to the person that is continually rewarding us, increases. This, on both extremes, is toxic to an individual and leads to damaged relationships.

In addition, the same comes when both sides declares wanting "fairness" of exchanges. To illustrate this idea of "fairness" I wish to share a story I heard:

A newly-wedded couple were discussing their issues during a church related financial class. The husband started to complain that it wasn't "fair" that is wife could spend (let's say $85) on doing her eyelashes every month. He thought that it would only be "fair" that if he could do something he wanted to do for $85 as well. Since he was the one making the money, it would be "fair" to him if he could spend the money he wanted to. His wife defended that she "needed" the eyelashes and that paying for them was part of his duties of being a husband. In summation, their disagreement was not resolved in that meeting. They both were seeking out justice in their "rewards" and either willing to pay the "costs" because they didn't seem "fair."

To be in a healthy relationship, it is important to keep rewards and costs in balance. In the example above, the wife wasn't willing to sacrifice anything (frankly she wasn't even willing to sacrifice having fake eyelashes) while the husband expressed open withdrawal from the relationship because of his costs were greater than his rewards. Their relationship as newlyweds is off to a rocky start, or possibly a downward spiral, over justice and eyelashes.

If you are considering this as a ridiculous scenario, I invite you to examine your relationship with those that you may be struggling with. With whom are you having a "justice and eyelashes" problem with? Are you asking or giving too much into the relationship that is causing a great divide between you two? Reviewing over this very simple principle of balancing how much is given and taken can be the very method that may improve, or save, your relationship.

The Exchange Theory is simple to explain, but to what extent are you willing to live it?